A "Korean Drama" Dream

How often is that your dream turns out like a Korean Drama plot? It was amazing with triangle loves, with pain, and at last with true love.

Note - "All characters are fictional and not reflective of reality" It is after all a dream.

The scene - It was a dinner. A gathering of friends. It seems like frequent weekly gathering whereby this groups friends gather. I was with Marky. We are together and probably have been together for sometime. Something is a miss, not to the eyes of others but I could feel it. I was in love with him. He loves me too but somehow I am feeling insecure.

SLing walked in with some other friends. Unknown to me and others, Marky and SLing seemed to have a past together. A love that never happened, love that is not meant to be. The question in their heads is that could it be, could we be? So, there is always a tension in the room when they meet.

I guess that manifested in my insecurity about my relationship with Marky.

Everyone was at dinner and chatting. But everyone seemed to have something else to rush to. Marky and I have another function to attend. SLing need to go home to her husband - YES, she is married! Drama right?!!

Everyone decide to take their leave. Marky and I left through the front door first. Marky opened the door and walked out. I walked out after him. I decided to go back and lock up the door as I know everyone was going out through the back door and I didn't feel right leaving the door unlocked.

After I locked the door, I saw that Mark has walked ahead. I tried to rush forward but I am not sure which way he went. I turned right, walked down a lane.

I got lost. I can't find him. It was getting dark. I am getting scared. Marky - please find me.

I walked through some really scary area and I was feeling desperate.

I came upon a row of stores. I was going to go in to get some help, to call Marky.

Suddenly I saw SLing and some of our friends walking by. They were surprised to see me there as Marky and I left earlier than them. I told them I got separated from Marky and can't find him.

As suddenly as I said that, Marky appeared, all sweat out, desperation on his face. He was searching high and low for me.

I brust into tears and flew into his arms. I held him tight. When I saw his face, all my insecurities gone. I know now that he loves me deeply. There should be no doubt.

We got into his car. I am still holding him tight, tears streaming down my face. Love found, renewed, reconfirmed without a doubt.

Wow!! What a way to end the dream. I love happy endings.

One of those bad days

January 2011

I know you are the one working, I know you are stressed.
I have tried my best to make life easy for you at home. I do believe I have tried my best.

I sensed that you are not entirely happy I am not working. I may be wrong. I know you said it is not about the money. I just know you prefer if I was working. I also wish for that. But I just have not found anything yet. I also feel sad about that.

So don't make me feel small about it. You don't need to make your work and your stress so big and make me feel small. When you do that you are like shouting at me about how you are working and I am not. It's like you are telling me you are doing everything and I am useless.

You were the one who said, let's go out tonight. Just give you 1 hour to finish your work. I gave you 3 hours. I didn't say anything, I just waited and let you do what you needed to do. But you didn't say anything after 3 hours. It was like you never said anything about going out. I a;so didn't say anything because I didn't want to pressure you or make it seem like I was so desperate to go out. I was not desperate to go out, but you must know you were the one who said that we will go out.

So I was just trying to tell you manage my expectations. It is not that I am angry you needed to work. I am just saying if you can't make it, just tell me first. Don't pretend like you never said anything or never promised anything. Like it never happened. You may be so busy and so absorbed but I am not. I was waiting, I was wondering if we were going to go out. So even if I didn't care so much about going out, I cannot pretend that you didn't make that promise just because you were busy. I believe you have to own up to what you promised.

So is it so much to ask for you to manage my expectations? Just tell me half way when you know you can't finish your work, you can't make it. I think I will feel better and would say it is fine. Is it too much to ask?

When I voiced this, you said this sentence in frustration, "In this case, I don't work anymore". Like you are so frustrated with me, like I don't understand you, like I don't support you, like I don't know how important your work is or how stress you are at work. You have to make me feel small like I am worthless because I am not working and you are so important because you are.

I didn't need that. I just wanted you to understand that I get disappointed too. I just want you to understand I also have needs and also want to plan my life. I don't want to live waiting around for you, just because you are so busy and so stressed.

Just manage my expectations. Just tell me when you can and when you cannot. Don't pretend like you never promised. Cos I didn't ask from you at the first place. You were the one that offered. And you were then the one who didn't even bother to remember. How does that make me feel?

Dont I have a say anymore? Is my feeling important too? Don't promise if you can't deliver or at the very least let me know first when you know you can't deliver. Is that too much to ask??

It's just one of those days when one sentence can spark off all the unhappiness. Glad its out and sorted.

My loud voiced - shouting Family

My family is generally loud voiced.
Maybe it is just me. But this only happens when I am talking to my family.

So, I would just like to blame it on my mom (as I always do on everything else bad in my life anyways)

My mom is a hard person. She shows love by scolding so naturally I always been in a scolding, shouting environment.

My dad is actually a soft spoken person but being in that environment for years and age, I think he has also become less tolerant.

My parents as they age and have less tolerance towards one and another, so they shout at each other even more.

My grandma calls my mom, my mom shouts and scolds her.

My grandmother would shout at my dad for whatever reason. She hates him.

My dad would shout at my mom for nagging him.

My mom would shout at my dad for being lazy.

My mom and I, needless to say are on a continous shouting match about everythinng.

My mom would scold me for everything.

So when she ask me a question, I would shout back.

I sometimes envy those soft spoken loving family. Isn’t it nice to just talk softly and nicely to one another.

Well, the grass is always greener on the other side.

You take your imperfections and always try to make it better. Keep trying.

Now, even though I am thousands of miles away, I still receive shouting match phone-calls from my mom. People don't change.

Don't take an afternoon nap

Taking a nap in the afternoon is never a good idea. You wake up feeling worse than before and that is not a nice feeling. Lethargic, blur and in extreme bad mood.

Worst if you had an equally bad dream while sleeping.

I was back in my old house. The place I grew up.

It was in the afternoon, I decided to go for a ride in my bicycle. I was meeting my "boyfriend" (who really is my husband) somewhere nearby.

I took a lot of things with me. Wallet, wristlet, water bottle, iphone, papers, a pack of dried shrimp!!!??, some plastic bags, food etc.

Even though the bicycle didn't have any basket to put things, I believed that I could hold everything in place.

I started riding. Everything was ok when I first go out of the house. I rode down a small lane.

Oh no!! The bicycle feels funny. My leg kept getting stuck at the pedal and the handle feels like it is coming off. But I was going down the lane and there was momentum, I managed to reach down but one of the handle came off.

I went down another back lane. This time worse, the bike really feels out of control, like it was going to come apart.

Some of stuff dropped out of the bicycle. But I can't stop as it was going down the lane. I reached the bottom and realized I can't make it. I better go back as this bicycle is falling apart.

I rode the bicycle up the lane. But I could not get far as I didn't have the strength to ride it up the lane. I stopped. All my things fell off the bike.

OMG!! I started to pick everything up. Oh!! Why did I bring so many things. It was so difficult to pick them and I Can't find my iphone, I am so disturbed. But I needed to concentrate to pick everything up, I put some in a plastic bag but damn there is a hole and everything fell out again.

Then I saw a big pack of dried shrimps. I picked it up. It looked so good and fresh. But hey, why is the pack so big. It doesn't look like mine. It is not mine. The klepto side of me was so tempted to take it. But I managed to stop myself.

There is another pack of dried shrimps. What is this??!! Temptations?? It is not mine. Some people have put them out to dry. If I took it, I am very sure no-one would know. Ohhhhh!! So tempted to take it. But I didn't. I was strong. Must fight back to my klepto side.

I continue to pick up my own things, still have not found my iphone, still struggling to pick up my things, very worried and very disturbed.

Enough is enough. I don't need this bad dream. I make myself wake up from my afternoon nap. Heavy breathing, eyes can hardly open, really hot chest, really feeling lethargic - this sucks!!

I am going to take a shower and snap out of this.

No more afternoon naps!

I need some fat friends

That's reality! Mean but reality.

Fat friends make you thinner.

Or at least they make you feel thinner.

Then you don't have to face up to reality that you are actually fat.

They will give you temporary relief that someone else is fatter than you. They give you false hope that you don't have to worry, at least not yet.

So I need some fat friends.

Cos I wanna feel thinner.

Cos I don't want to face reality that I am fat.

Cos I need some temporary relief and false hope that I don't have to worry cos someone else is fatter than me.

The reality is that I am fat and I need some fat friends.

I feel he manipulate​d me

A friend.

I feel he manipulated me.

First he hinted that I had to pay for the dinner cos some people were bringing gifts. I knew it was only one person but its ok I can take a hint. I will be paying for 20 people. It's ok, I called for the dinner celebration.

Then he said he will chip in to pay. He is after all the best friend.

I knew it was his way to make me agree to what he wanted. I knew for sure he was sincere cos why would he not be, right? At the very least it was a nice gesture whether I would take it or not.

During the dinner he even paid for the bill first without my knowledge which I appreciated as I guessed he knew I was busy.

Then he told me he paid more to round up the figure and this is not in the form of loose change. Multiply of tens. It's ok. I figure that he wanted "face" cos he knew the people at the restaurant. Anyway the event was a success and I had no issues with the bill or the extras.

Anyway after the event he never told me how much he wanted to chip in. Silence.

I wanted to pay him but I expect that he would say something first since he was the one who offered to chip in anyway. I did try to bring it up. To make it less obvious, I mean I dont want to ask him out right how much he is chipping in cos it was my affair and I should pay for it all, infact I am all prepared to. But I am a person of principles. If you said something, then you own up to it. I don't like the pretense of wait and see what happens. That is so insincere.

So I give people opportunities to own up. I give the benefit of the doubt that people may have forgotten.

He offered to chip in the payment first (to get me to pay the entire bill - if not everyone could have gone dutch anyway). So I hinted to make it less obvious. I brought up the subject of a cheque that I was going to write to him. Big open door to own up and let me know what he wants to do. But...nothing. It was ignored.

Ok, again my good side continued to give the benefit of the doubt. He may have missed the question, after all it was on chat and you know how reliable modern technology can be.

It's alright then. I decided I will pay him the full amount. It was what I intended to do anyway. I just wanted him to be the one to say first cos I think it was the way it should be. If he offered he should have graciously and sincerely own up to it first. I am a straight person. I just believe that it the right way to do things. Oh well, that would be how I would have done if I was the one who offered to contribute.

At least when you offered and stand up to your bargain, you look good and you look sincere. And when I still give you the full amount, I look good and I look gracious. We can then do the pushback, take it, push back etc and see what happens from there.

So even though he never brought up his contribution to chip in (1st sign of my displeasure on his pettiness), I decided to give him what I original intended - the full amount. Call me insincere or whatever but I don't feel bad about my expectations. I expect him to push back. I expect him to say, oh no...this is too much, I should have a cut in this since I said in the first place.

I expect you to insist to chip in. And I would graciously push back and say it's ok, just buy dinner next time. A dinner would be nothing compared to what he will be chipping in.

But when he took the cheque, he didn't say anything (2nd sign of my displeasure on his pettiness). I was a bit surprised, he must have seen the cheque amount. Should he say something? Nothing. NOTHING.

It's ok, I gave the benefit of doubt that he didn't see the amount.

So, later at another function in front of people, then he threw some money on the table and say ok here, this is less than half my share for the contribution. Then he proceeded to drill me on why I paid him full blah blah. His way of showing his graciousness. Well, at least he did but somehow I felt it a bit too late. It was more like an after thought. Maybe he didn't even wanted to do it.

As per my original intent I pushed back said it is ok and just get the next time dinner. After all, that is the least I feel he can do.

So far, he coerced me to pay for the dinner which he ate too. He said he will also pay for the dinner. He paid first and even paid more on my behalf, then didn't say anything about chipping in, still didn't say anything when cheque was presented and then only said something rudely a few hours later. I didn't take the money. So at the very least buying the next time would not be anything. It will only for 3 people. I paid for 20 people.

The next dinner came, and to my utmost annoyance, he pretended nothing happened. We went dutch. He even asked for my share specifically. No recollection of buying this round which would be less than half of the amount he would have chipped in if he really did chipped in.

Asshole.

So I am pissed.

This is my message to you.

I now see you differently. You have left a distaste in my mouth. You bring back all the things that didn't irritate me but now when I look back, makes me so pissed that it was done the way it was done.

1. You coerced me to pay for everyone when I think everyone would have been perfectly to pay their own share including yourself. That's still ok, I am not angry for paying for everyone. I am pissed that You coerced me into it.

2. Next you paid the bill first on your own and make your own prerogative judgment to pay more which I believe now to is to give yourself face. Even that, giving more, I am still ok cos it was no big deal, the event was a success and I also know the restaurant folks. I am pissed at how is that you made the decision with my money. You paid and paid more, make yourself look like so generous using my money. Cos now I know you never intended to chip in anyway.

3. Then you kept quiet about chipping in. Then when I gave you the full amount you didn't say anything but then infront of others you act again like you are so generous by throwing money on the table and giving your share knowing well I won't take. Even that I am not pissed cos I never intended to take your money.

4. But when you did not return my gesture, you did not even do anything even after I hinted what you could do as I did not take your money, now I am pissed. A small gesture of paying for the next dinner is all I said. That is what I believe the very least you could do but YOU DIDN'T!! Asshole!

I look back on how you make me believe I should pay, you volunteered to chip in, you paid more on my behalf and now after I decide not to take money from you and say you can buy next time instead but you did not. You did nothing. Came eat for free and didn't own up to anything. I think you are an ass.

The DISLIKE CREPT IN.

The dislike crept in

You met a new friend. You hit it off.

What more he is the best friend of someone very important to you.

Life is great. All 3 of you.

Then something happened.

An incident small to many but irritated you.

Nothing was confronted. Things could get back to normal.

But the dislike has crept in.

The two of them are still fine. Best buddies for ages. Where does that leave you?

Swallow your dislike and just pretend everything is ok.

All 3 happily ever after?

Sigh...Too bad, this is the battle that you have to fight. Alone.

I am negative but I call it grounded in reality

December 2009

I am a thinker, I think a lot, I think about everything before I act. Infact I think about things before even it happens. I think ahead, I imagine scenarios. I anticipate. That is how I am, how my mind has been build.

In my mind of thinking, obviously not everything is nice. I am not a dreamer. Just when I am sleeping. In reality, everything is not nice. And thus, when I think, I anticipate and think of worst case scenarios. I feel better if I have anticipated the worst or at least worked it out in my head so I can handle it better.

However, when doing this, sometimes it comes out as negative. It's like asking, what happens if I die tomorrow? It's morbid, it's not something nice to to think about.

My husband says I am negative and I think of only negative things.

But I like to think of all scenarios and hopefully with that I am better prepared. I don't want to think that reality is so nice, beautiful, fun and dandy and when something else strikes, I dunno what to do.

But there is a balance to achieve. I can't just think of all bad case scenarios and just worry about it. Remember it is only to think and plan NOT to indulge and let something that is in the thinking process became a reality cos it is not!

So my husband's comment that I am negative do strike a chord that I need a balance and not dump 20 worst case scenarios on him to solve on a situation that has not even happened.

But, I hope he is also learning that he needs to think thru the situation more vs just let it hit you whichever way it wants.

At least for me, I would have thot about the different ways it would hit me!

The picking starts

Dec 2010

You think that as time grows by you will grow to love everything about the person.
You think that you will overlook the minor things and you don't even see that those things irritates you.
But there is a flip side to every imagined fairy tale.
The minor things may not just fade away.
The minor things may became major. Maybe it never bothered you before cos you were in the fairy tale and everything is beautiful.
But as time goes by you began to see the finer details and instead of feeling love or not bothered, you feel bothered, you get irritated or worst you feel disgusted!

Where is the love??

You begin to nick pick. You get irritated and worse you feel disgusted with what you see vs feel it was so cute because of love.

So my question - where is the love?

When you start to pick, where is the love?