One of those bad days

January 2011

I know you are the one working, I know you are stressed.
I have tried my best to make life easy for you at home. I do believe I have tried my best.

I sensed that you are not entirely happy I am not working. I may be wrong. I know you said it is not about the money. I just know you prefer if I was working. I also wish for that. But I just have not found anything yet. I also feel sad about that.

So don't make me feel small about it. You don't need to make your work and your stress so big and make me feel small. When you do that you are like shouting at me about how you are working and I am not. It's like you are telling me you are doing everything and I am useless.

You were the one who said, let's go out tonight. Just give you 1 hour to finish your work. I gave you 3 hours. I didn't say anything, I just waited and let you do what you needed to do. But you didn't say anything after 3 hours. It was like you never said anything about going out. I a;so didn't say anything because I didn't want to pressure you or make it seem like I was so desperate to go out. I was not desperate to go out, but you must know you were the one who said that we will go out.

So I was just trying to tell you manage my expectations. It is not that I am angry you needed to work. I am just saying if you can't make it, just tell me first. Don't pretend like you never said anything or never promised anything. Like it never happened. You may be so busy and so absorbed but I am not. I was waiting, I was wondering if we were going to go out. So even if I didn't care so much about going out, I cannot pretend that you didn't make that promise just because you were busy. I believe you have to own up to what you promised.

So is it so much to ask for you to manage my expectations? Just tell me half way when you know you can't finish your work, you can't make it. I think I will feel better and would say it is fine. Is it too much to ask?

When I voiced this, you said this sentence in frustration, "In this case, I don't work anymore". Like you are so frustrated with me, like I don't understand you, like I don't support you, like I don't know how important your work is or how stress you are at work. You have to make me feel small like I am worthless because I am not working and you are so important because you are.

I didn't need that. I just wanted you to understand that I get disappointed too. I just want you to understand I also have needs and also want to plan my life. I don't want to live waiting around for you, just because you are so busy and so stressed.

Just manage my expectations. Just tell me when you can and when you cannot. Don't pretend like you never promised. Cos I didn't ask from you at the first place. You were the one that offered. And you were then the one who didn't even bother to remember. How does that make me feel?

Dont I have a say anymore? Is my feeling important too? Don't promise if you can't deliver or at the very least let me know first when you know you can't deliver. Is that too much to ask??

It's just one of those days when one sentence can spark off all the unhappiness. Glad its out and sorted.