A friend.
I feel he manipulated me.
First he hinted that I had to pay for the dinner cos some people were bringing gifts. I knew it was only one person but its ok I can take a hint. I will be paying for 20 people. It's ok, I called for the dinner celebration.
Then he said he will chip in to pay. He is after all the best friend.
I knew it was his way to make me agree to what he wanted. I knew for sure he was sincere cos why would he not be, right? At the very least it was a nice gesture whether I would take it or not.
During the dinner he even paid for the bill first without my knowledge which I appreciated as I guessed he knew I was busy.
Then he told me he paid more to round up the figure and this is not in the form of loose change. Multiply of tens. It's ok. I figure that he wanted "face" cos he knew the people at the restaurant. Anyway the event was a success and I had no issues with the bill or the extras.
Anyway after the event he never told me how much he wanted to chip in. Silence.
I wanted to pay him but I expect that he would say something first since he was the one who offered to chip in anyway. I did try to bring it up. To make it less obvious, I mean I dont want to ask him out right how much he is chipping in cos it was my affair and I should pay for it all, infact I am all prepared to. But I am a person of principles. If you said something, then you own up to it. I don't like the pretense of wait and see what happens. That is so insincere.
So I give people opportunities to own up. I give the benefit of the doubt that people may have forgotten.
He offered to chip in the payment first (to get me to pay the entire bill - if not everyone could have gone dutch anyway). So I hinted to make it less obvious. I brought up the subject of a cheque that I was going to write to him. Big open door to own up and let me know what he wants to do. But...nothing. It was ignored.
Ok, again my good side continued to give the benefit of the doubt. He may have missed the question, after all it was on chat and you know how reliable modern technology can be.
It's alright then. I decided I will pay him the full amount. It was what I intended to do anyway. I just wanted him to be the one to say first cos I think it was the way it should be. If he offered he should have graciously and sincerely own up to it first. I am a straight person. I just believe that it the right way to do things. Oh well, that would be how I would have done if I was the one who offered to contribute.
At least when you offered and stand up to your bargain, you look good and you look sincere. And when I still give you the full amount, I look good and I look gracious. We can then do the pushback, take it, push back etc and see what happens from there.
So even though he never brought up his contribution to chip in (1st sign of my displeasure on his pettiness), I decided to give him what I original intended - the full amount. Call me insincere or whatever but I don't feel bad about my expectations. I expect him to push back. I expect him to say, oh no...this is too much, I should have a cut in this since I said in the first place.
I expect you to insist to chip in. And I would graciously push back and say it's ok, just buy dinner next time. A dinner would be nothing compared to what he will be chipping in.
But when he took the cheque, he didn't say anything (2nd sign of my displeasure on his pettiness). I was a bit surprised, he must have seen the cheque amount. Should he say something? Nothing. NOTHING.
It's ok, I gave the benefit of doubt that he didn't see the amount.
So, later at another function in front of people, then he threw some money on the table and say ok here, this is less than half my share for the contribution. Then he proceeded to drill me on why I paid him full blah blah. His way of showing his graciousness. Well, at least he did but somehow I felt it a bit too late. It was more like an after thought. Maybe he didn't even wanted to do it.
As per my original intent I pushed back said it is ok and just get the next time dinner. After all, that is the least I feel he can do.
So far, he coerced me to pay for the dinner which he ate too. He said he will also pay for the dinner. He paid first and even paid more on my behalf, then didn't say anything about chipping in, still didn't say anything when cheque was presented and then only said something rudely a few hours later. I didn't take the money. So at the very least buying the next time would not be anything. It will only for 3 people. I paid for 20 people.
The next dinner came, and to my utmost annoyance, he pretended nothing happened. We went dutch. He even asked for my share specifically. No recollection of buying this round which would be less than half of the amount he would have chipped in if he really did chipped in.
Asshole.
So I am pissed.
This is my message to you.
I now see you differently. You have left a distaste in my mouth. You bring back all the things that didn't irritate me but now when I look back, makes me so pissed that it was done the way it was done.
1. You coerced me to pay for everyone when I think everyone would have been perfectly to pay their own share including yourself. That's still ok, I am not angry for paying for everyone. I am pissed that You coerced me into it.
2. Next you paid the bill first on your own and make your own prerogative judgment to pay more which I believe now to is to give yourself face. Even that, giving more, I am still ok cos it was no big deal, the event was a success and I also know the restaurant folks. I am pissed at how is that you made the decision with my money. You paid and paid more, make yourself look like so generous using my money. Cos now I know you never intended to chip in anyway.
3. Then you kept quiet about chipping in. Then when I gave you the full amount you didn't say anything but then infront of others you act again like you are so generous by throwing money on the table and giving your share knowing well I won't take. Even that I am not pissed cos I never intended to take your money.
4. But when you did not return my gesture, you did not even do anything even after I hinted what you could do as I did not take your money, now I am pissed. A small gesture of paying for the next dinner is all I said. That is what I believe the very least you could do but YOU DIDN'T!! Asshole!
I look back on how you make me believe I should pay, you volunteered to chip in, you paid more on my behalf and now after I decide not to take money from you and say you can buy next time instead but you did not. You did nothing. Came eat for free and didn't own up to anything. I think you are an ass.
The DISLIKE CREPT IN.
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