I can do it!!!!!!!!

I don't feel good. I use to be ok but now I kinda feel lousy.

I need to start working again but I am not there yet.

I am afraid if I will not get there.

Well, that's ridiculous. I think I am afraid I don't know how to get there.

What if I just continue the way I am. What if I don't get what I want? What if I don't know what I want?

I think I can handle my own expectations, it is others expectations that I can't handle.

I am so afraid I will disappoint them, I will probably just make myself miserable just thinking about it.

I know I need to be strong, have faith and be focused. Work hard and don't give up!

I can do it!!!!!!!!!!

My husband is the "bestest"!

Who would thread my fav old t-shirt which has a big hole on the shoulders? Well, I didn't and still proudly wore around the house. It's my fav, I've had it for more than 10 years - thus the hole.

But my "bestest" husband did. I feel so blessed. It is amazing to see him intently threading my fav shirt back to health. *filled with love*

He probably could not stand to see his wife wearing an old t-shirt with a big hole.

Whatever it is, my husband is the bestest. *love*

A line to not cross

A line to not cross

The one thing I know is never to say bad things about your spouse family in front of your spouse and at the back for that matter.

Especially so for my husband, whose others feelings and others well being is utmost important to him, don't even talk bad about his best friend.

It is not that I wanna bitch about them to him but since my hubby is the closest to me and we tell each other everything, I tend to wanna tell him things even if it is not nice stuff when it touches that category of people.

If not where do I rant to? Who do I tell??

But I know I should not cos I will only be the one to get hurt and probably even get angrier if I tell him. Cos when he defends them, I will be even more pissed. He is not taking my side but taking their side!!! WTF?!!

So to avoid more anger and disappointment just shut up and find another outlet to let go of your emotions.

This is where I am letting go.

Thank you blog.

Don't worry about not having anything to worry about

I am not working. I have stopped working for the last 9 months.

It is a choice. I have been thinking about getting back to work but I feel kinda stuck. I don't know what I want and what I wanna do.

I wish there was a sign from God.

Should I pursue the area that I was an expert in for the last 10 years or should I do something different?

I had a great career before. I think if you saw me, you would say I am a high flyer, very corporate, very professional. Do I want to get back to the hustle bustle of the corporate life? Do I want to get the stress from the never ending workload?

Or should I pursue something simpler. Something less stressful. The funny thing about it is that, I feel I want to but I don't know what I wanna do. Another thing is also how do I overcome the feeling that I am selling myself short? That I am doing something that is less than what I am capable of. But then the insecurities set in that even if I wanted a "lesser" job, am I even qualified to do it?

Sigh, so many worries.

But, honestly, I do feel very blessed. I am managing my financials well and with one salary, we can get by. Not luxurious but definitely not in danger. Infact, my husband is very supportive and he is letting me take my time and decide. I am grateful. I don't have to worry.

However, even though I know I don't have to worry, I do worry. I worry about not knowing what I want to do. I worry about not getting a job. I worry about getting the wrong job. I worry about rejection. I worry about what others would think of me. I do worry.

A friend told me the other day "Don't worry about not having anything to worry about".

I should try to heed that advice.

I do not answer him.

June 2008

I have a tendency of not answering when asked a question by my parents. It is probably like an annonyance I have developed whereby whenever my parents ask me a question, an automatic reaction of annoyance arises. Difficult to control sometimes. Infact my husband was annoyed with me yesterday cos he says that I did not answer when he asked a question.

I must agree it is true. Sometimes I just keep quiet. I just don't answer back. It is almost like I think he can read my mind or he should be able to read my mind. And it's like there is so many things in my mind especially my work that I just don't open my mouth for some reason or another. I guess I am just lazy, lazy to even answer. I must admit it is a bad habit.

He is feeling that I don't respect him. I wanna fight back and disagree. I am a pretty rightheous person but then ok I will admit that I am wrong and I should not be so rude. By not answering him, I have made it a habit and it is not nice. It does not make him feel good. And I should not make him feel that way.

I must change.

Now in 2010, I am better. But occasionally, I am still silent when he ask me something. It's ok cos he will tick me off. That's what I need!

In 2011, I am changed. I think it's because I am less pre-occupied with myself. I am not working now and thus I am more relaxed and all my time is focused on him. But will all this change when I go back to work?

The Man of My Dreams

I told my husband just the other day that the man of my dreams is Matt Damon.

I said if Matt Damon wanted to marry me, I would marry him immediately.

There is something about Matt Damon which I found so appealing the first time I go to know about him.

Good Will Hunting.

Smart, down to earth, humble while he is all Hollywood but I think he is not disturbed by all the Hollywood fame.

I may not have watched all the shows he was in ( I am not a stalker, I just want to marry him, lol) but every time I see him on screen, he affirms my admiration.

I hope he continues to be the man of my dreams.

A good husband, father while being the Hollywood star that I can dream of.

A "Korean Drama" Dream

How often is that your dream turns out like a Korean Drama plot? It was amazing with triangle loves, with pain, and at last with true love.

Note - "All characters are fictional and not reflective of reality" It is after all a dream.

The scene - It was a dinner. A gathering of friends. It seems like frequent weekly gathering whereby this groups friends gather. I was with Marky. We are together and probably have been together for sometime. Something is a miss, not to the eyes of others but I could feel it. I was in love with him. He loves me too but somehow I am feeling insecure.

SLing walked in with some other friends. Unknown to me and others, Marky and SLing seemed to have a past together. A love that never happened, love that is not meant to be. The question in their heads is that could it be, could we be? So, there is always a tension in the room when they meet.

I guess that manifested in my insecurity about my relationship with Marky.

Everyone was at dinner and chatting. But everyone seemed to have something else to rush to. Marky and I have another function to attend. SLing need to go home to her husband - YES, she is married! Drama right?!!

Everyone decide to take their leave. Marky and I left through the front door first. Marky opened the door and walked out. I walked out after him. I decided to go back and lock up the door as I know everyone was going out through the back door and I didn't feel right leaving the door unlocked.

After I locked the door, I saw that Mark has walked ahead. I tried to rush forward but I am not sure which way he went. I turned right, walked down a lane.

I got lost. I can't find him. It was getting dark. I am getting scared. Marky - please find me.

I walked through some really scary area and I was feeling desperate.

I came upon a row of stores. I was going to go in to get some help, to call Marky.

Suddenly I saw SLing and some of our friends walking by. They were surprised to see me there as Marky and I left earlier than them. I told them I got separated from Marky and can't find him.

As suddenly as I said that, Marky appeared, all sweat out, desperation on his face. He was searching high and low for me.

I brust into tears and flew into his arms. I held him tight. When I saw his face, all my insecurities gone. I know now that he loves me deeply. There should be no doubt.

We got into his car. I am still holding him tight, tears streaming down my face. Love found, renewed, reconfirmed without a doubt.

Wow!! What a way to end the dream. I love happy endings.

One of those bad days

January 2011

I know you are the one working, I know you are stressed.
I have tried my best to make life easy for you at home. I do believe I have tried my best.

I sensed that you are not entirely happy I am not working. I may be wrong. I know you said it is not about the money. I just know you prefer if I was working. I also wish for that. But I just have not found anything yet. I also feel sad about that.

So don't make me feel small about it. You don't need to make your work and your stress so big and make me feel small. When you do that you are like shouting at me about how you are working and I am not. It's like you are telling me you are doing everything and I am useless.

You were the one who said, let's go out tonight. Just give you 1 hour to finish your work. I gave you 3 hours. I didn't say anything, I just waited and let you do what you needed to do. But you didn't say anything after 3 hours. It was like you never said anything about going out. I a;so didn't say anything because I didn't want to pressure you or make it seem like I was so desperate to go out. I was not desperate to go out, but you must know you were the one who said that we will go out.

So I was just trying to tell you manage my expectations. It is not that I am angry you needed to work. I am just saying if you can't make it, just tell me first. Don't pretend like you never said anything or never promised anything. Like it never happened. You may be so busy and so absorbed but I am not. I was waiting, I was wondering if we were going to go out. So even if I didn't care so much about going out, I cannot pretend that you didn't make that promise just because you were busy. I believe you have to own up to what you promised.

So is it so much to ask for you to manage my expectations? Just tell me half way when you know you can't finish your work, you can't make it. I think I will feel better and would say it is fine. Is it too much to ask?

When I voiced this, you said this sentence in frustration, "In this case, I don't work anymore". Like you are so frustrated with me, like I don't understand you, like I don't support you, like I don't know how important your work is or how stress you are at work. You have to make me feel small like I am worthless because I am not working and you are so important because you are.

I didn't need that. I just wanted you to understand that I get disappointed too. I just want you to understand I also have needs and also want to plan my life. I don't want to live waiting around for you, just because you are so busy and so stressed.

Just manage my expectations. Just tell me when you can and when you cannot. Don't pretend like you never promised. Cos I didn't ask from you at the first place. You were the one that offered. And you were then the one who didn't even bother to remember. How does that make me feel?

Dont I have a say anymore? Is my feeling important too? Don't promise if you can't deliver or at the very least let me know first when you know you can't deliver. Is that too much to ask??

It's just one of those days when one sentence can spark off all the unhappiness. Glad its out and sorted.

My loud voiced - shouting Family

My family is generally loud voiced.
Maybe it is just me. But this only happens when I am talking to my family.

So, I would just like to blame it on my mom (as I always do on everything else bad in my life anyways)

My mom is a hard person. She shows love by scolding so naturally I always been in a scolding, shouting environment.

My dad is actually a soft spoken person but being in that environment for years and age, I think he has also become less tolerant.

My parents as they age and have less tolerance towards one and another, so they shout at each other even more.

My grandma calls my mom, my mom shouts and scolds her.

My grandmother would shout at my dad for whatever reason. She hates him.

My dad would shout at my mom for nagging him.

My mom would shout at my dad for being lazy.

My mom and I, needless to say are on a continous shouting match about everythinng.

My mom would scold me for everything.

So when she ask me a question, I would shout back.

I sometimes envy those soft spoken loving family. Isn’t it nice to just talk softly and nicely to one another.

Well, the grass is always greener on the other side.

You take your imperfections and always try to make it better. Keep trying.

Now, even though I am thousands of miles away, I still receive shouting match phone-calls from my mom. People don't change.

Don't take an afternoon nap

Taking a nap in the afternoon is never a good idea. You wake up feeling worse than before and that is not a nice feeling. Lethargic, blur and in extreme bad mood.

Worst if you had an equally bad dream while sleeping.

I was back in my old house. The place I grew up.

It was in the afternoon, I decided to go for a ride in my bicycle. I was meeting my "boyfriend" (who really is my husband) somewhere nearby.

I took a lot of things with me. Wallet, wristlet, water bottle, iphone, papers, a pack of dried shrimp!!!??, some plastic bags, food etc.

Even though the bicycle didn't have any basket to put things, I believed that I could hold everything in place.

I started riding. Everything was ok when I first go out of the house. I rode down a small lane.

Oh no!! The bicycle feels funny. My leg kept getting stuck at the pedal and the handle feels like it is coming off. But I was going down the lane and there was momentum, I managed to reach down but one of the handle came off.

I went down another back lane. This time worse, the bike really feels out of control, like it was going to come apart.

Some of stuff dropped out of the bicycle. But I can't stop as it was going down the lane. I reached the bottom and realized I can't make it. I better go back as this bicycle is falling apart.

I rode the bicycle up the lane. But I could not get far as I didn't have the strength to ride it up the lane. I stopped. All my things fell off the bike.

OMG!! I started to pick everything up. Oh!! Why did I bring so many things. It was so difficult to pick them and I Can't find my iphone, I am so disturbed. But I needed to concentrate to pick everything up, I put some in a plastic bag but damn there is a hole and everything fell out again.

Then I saw a big pack of dried shrimps. I picked it up. It looked so good and fresh. But hey, why is the pack so big. It doesn't look like mine. It is not mine. The klepto side of me was so tempted to take it. But I managed to stop myself.

There is another pack of dried shrimps. What is this??!! Temptations?? It is not mine. Some people have put them out to dry. If I took it, I am very sure no-one would know. Ohhhhh!! So tempted to take it. But I didn't. I was strong. Must fight back to my klepto side.

I continue to pick up my own things, still have not found my iphone, still struggling to pick up my things, very worried and very disturbed.

Enough is enough. I don't need this bad dream. I make myself wake up from my afternoon nap. Heavy breathing, eyes can hardly open, really hot chest, really feeling lethargic - this sucks!!

I am going to take a shower and snap out of this.

No more afternoon naps!