Another major shouting match

I shouted and shouted!

I was really angry. Only my mom could do that to me. She is amazing.

There is a Chinese saying, "Our bones have been mixed" - which means that we don't see eye to eye on anything. And this is true with me and mom.

I wish things could be different.

I pity my dad cos he is always stuck in the middle.

I do end up shouting at him too.

Anyway, I try my best to make things better for them but they don't trust me so they amke things difficult for me. I get mad.

After the shouting match, I do feel disturbed. I feel sad. I feel guilty.

But can I make amends? Can I get over my anger and be nice to them again.

I will have to get over my pride.

Damn! Why do they have to piss me off?

So much anger passed down....

I have hoped that the generation "curse" would stop at me.

I wanted to be the change agent, I wanted to be the person who is better.

But I have been failing. Infact, I think I am even worse than both of them.

There is just so much anger. My mom with my grandmother, Me with my mom and even my grandmother.

I have to admit, I am angry at my mom. No matter how much I love her, I have no gentle way to expresss. I am angry on the outside. I only know how to show anger to express my love. The exact same way that my mom treats me.

Why am I falling into the same spiral? The exact thing that I hated all my life, I am doing exactly the same thing, it is almost like my revenge back to her.

But I know that I want to change. I pray for the strength and the will to follow-thru.

Let me find the compassion to treat my mom and grandma with softness and not anger.

I did it again

I can't help it. I tell myself everyday that I need to control my mouth but my mom just rubs me the wrong way. Everything she does and says just get on my nerves and I snap. I want to be the good daughter, to have mother and daughter bonding, support each other, have pleasant conversations, BUT my mom and I never had that. She scolded me all her life, she still does and now I scold her back. Everything she does is not pleasing to me. Frankly I do not have a good impression of her and thus I hate her every action. I get annoyed and I just snap and I will scold her.

Trust me, I know I am guilty. She is my mom, I cannot treat her this way.I am rude! I am really terrible. There is no excuse. I am guilty!

I will pray. I do want to be better. I have to rid of this resentment towards my mom. Forget the past. Let go of my anger. If I don't, I know I will regret one day.

My nasty mood

This weekend, I was in foul mood. Seriously foul mood. I was irritable and had this anger in my eyes. Since I am staying with mom, she took the brunt of it. Well...not that I am any better on other days...it has been always like that...me and mom- we just don't see eye to eye!

Of course it got worse since I am in a nasty mood. Everything she did wrong, I did not stop myself from letting her know. I was just mean and you could see the anger in my eyes.

My poor hubby also was not spared. He is the most patient man and I love him for that. He will try to cheer me up, he will talk and talk and talk just to distract me. I just grunt back! And if he siad something wrong...snap snap....that's how nasty I was.

Anyway the weekend is coming to an end, I am a bit better today...my mood is improving. I just want to say I am sorry!

When your heart is not satisfied

My mom requested for a night cream. This is a small request but why did I react?

This is the reason. I went to her room and took our all the facial creams that I have given her all these years. Olay, SK-II, Loreal etc more than 20 bottles of unused facial creams are in her room. I laid it all down on her bed.

There was even an SK-II night cream which she requested for probably 5 years ago. I bought it for her. Now, it is still unopened.

Do you know why it frustrates me? I feel that she is not self satisfied. She keep looking at the things that she thinks she does not have. That is why she is not satisfied with anything that I do for her. She just keep scolding me for the things that she thinks I did not do.

But, she does not appreciate all the things that have been done for her. And that is the problem I have with her. Why does she keep focusing on the negatives? When I go out with my friends, she is not happy cos she thinks I treat my friends better. She accuses me of always buying my friends presents, buy them dinner etc with no real proof.

But why does she not look at the times I took her out for dinners, all the things that I bought for her, bought for the house??

I bought her a perfume for her birthday a few weeks ago. I really thought that she does not have a good perfume cos she was using this male smelling perfume when she goes out. In my search to take out all the facial creams, I saw that she still have more than 5 bottles of unused perfume, even one that I bought from Europe about 4 years ago.

I told her, I can buy anything that she lacks, that is my duty as a daughter but if she has more than enough, I am sorry, I will not buy cos I don't want my money wasted on things that she will not use. These items cannot be kept for long. It has maturity date and the product will spoil. I don't want to throw hundreds of dollars down the drain.

I don't know why she is like that. Maybe she is getting old and not feeling the security. But I attribute it to her heart. She is not satisfied with what she has. Therefore she can't see the good things but is just focused on the things that she think she lacks.

I really dislike the attitude, I have been trying to tell her, "be satisfied with what you have, you will be happier"

Why I write about my mom?

I have been ranting about my mom. Sometimes I feel like I am really immature and such a bad person. How can I be writing negative things about my own mom?

Firstly, I would like to qualify that I love my mom very much. But if you have been reading my past postings, you will be familiar that my mom and I are not in the best of relationships. It is not that we hate each other but it is more like we tick each other off all the time. So for years, it has been one shouting match after another.

From small to now, she is always scolding me about one thing after another. This has grown to become resentment from me. So now, I attack her back. If she scold me, I will attack and I will attack her for the things that she does wrong. My irritation of her is at the highest.

I know I need to resolve this anger within me. I need to be the agent of change and not let this continue. Therefore I am choosing to express myself in my blog. I want to remember all these things. I want to remind myself that I should not do these things to my children.

I am aware that I would probably end up like my mom, but I don't want that to happen. So when I write about my mom, it is for me to let out the anger and frustration. But it is also that I document what she did and what I did so that it can be a lesson for me in future when I am old and don't realize that I am acting ridiculous.

I need to let go of my anger

It's funny how my mom is angry at my grandmother but my mom also cares for my grandmother a lot.

As for me, I am angry at my mom and yet I care about her a lot. So I am turning out exactly like my mom, right?

I am also irritated with my grandmother. Due to her actions, she has made a lot of people distance from her. But bless her soul, she is not a bad person. Just some of her actions, eventually make people dislike her.

I see the same traits in my mom.

So I am angry at both my mom and my grandmother.

Do I fear I will end up like them? Hell, I am!!! BUT, I know I don't want to and I will make sure it does not happen. I am aware! I know what I need to do.

However, by being angry at them (they just can tick me off, like a match) I am just being exactly like them. I need to change, I need to bring out the softer side of me. Why am I being like them?

Only God can help me, soften my heart. Change me!

I am angry at my mom

How do I get rid of this feelings?

It is not that I am mistreating my mom or anything. We stay under the same roof and just like any other mother and daughter. The only difference is that we have a very hostile relationship.

She brought me up by scolding me. Constantly dissatisfied with what I do. Despite me being a great student with scholarship, have a great job, my mother is still my mother. I know she is proud of me but in front of me, she is still the same. She is constantly looking out for my faults and scolding me for it.

I can't say that I hate my mom. Infact, I do care for her. But I have become just like her. I will find faults with her now. I will scold her about everything. It is almost like my revenge. But it is not I am doing it purposely but I have become this person. This person who has an automatic reaction to disagree with everything that she does. I am just so pissed whenever she opens her mouth. I am just angry at her.

How do I get rid of this anger? It is very unhealthy and I am like such a bad child. But I am not. I care for her and my dad. I will do anything for them. But, I just can't stopped treating her the way she has been treating me.

I know I don't want to end up like my mother but I am becoming exactly like her. So far, I only treat her that way. I don't do that to anyone else. I pray that I don't treat my kids this way.

But in everything that we do, there will be retribution.

It is probably my mom's retribution for bringing me up the way she did. And I will get my retribution for treating my mom this way.

I just need to get rid of this anger. This anger that is just associated with my mom. I must let go off all the anger that has bottled up for far too many years. But how? It almost feel that it is embedded in me. Everytime I tell myself I will be better tomorrow, but when my mom says something or starts nagging me, I snapped.

This is a generation curse. My grandma is exactly like my that and my mom has also a lot of bottled anger towards her. But my mom is also the only one that is really taking care of my grandma. It is almost like a love and hate relationship. My mom and I are developing into the same type of relationship.

I know I have to be the agent of change and break the curse. I cannot continue down the path of my grandma and mom. I have to be the one that stops it.

I had another outburst

I don't know why. It can't be PMS cos my period is just over. Maybe I am just feeling a bit down about my life. So, I am taking it out on people around me.

I am very contented with my life and I am a very happy person. But this thing with my mom is a never ending battle and I think I have a lot of pent-up frustration. Thus, I guess I can't really let go of the past of who's right and who's wrong. There is still a lot of anger in me and she can so easily trigger it. She is still the same and when she triggers it, she will bring back all the memories about what I think she has done wrong to me.

In her eyes, she probably think I have done a lot of things wrong. That is why she treat me the way she has. And I know she has done it out of love.

But no matter how much I know it and but I still can't change the way I react to her. I can't change and erase my anger and dissatisfaction with the history we had because in my eyes she has done it wrong. And I am very vicious when I have my outburst.

Today, unfortunately my dad has to take the brunt of my outburst.

I feel better now but I could really feel all my anger (a mountain of it) during my outburst. It was quite scary.

NO matter what. She is still my mom!

Even though a slight volcano erupted between my mom and me yesterday but it's ok...it has become like part and parcel of our relationship.

I am not proud that I am rude to her, I told myself a thousand times that I would need to be more tolerant but how? how to do it when the feelings and reactions are already embedded in me.

Whenever she opens her mouth, my automatic attack reaction comes on. Actually, if people see from outside, they won't understand but when you are in it, you will know why it is like that, how it happened and how hard it is to change.

I wish I can change too and I think only God can help me.

I also wish that my mom would change cos if she continues being the hard, dissatisfied, nagging person that she is, our family will never be happy. I know she can't change. If I find it difficult, what more her who has lived all her life like that.

I guess, if it is to be, it is up to me.

Anyway, as my truce, I bought her a gift set for her birthday in Nov. It is a small gesture and soon it will be forgotten and she will pick on me for other things but it's ok, I will do my part.

She must learn to shut up

She's my mom and I love her but I wish she would learn the skill of shutting her gab.

Therefore, I must remind myself that I would need to learn to shut my mouth as necessary too. I don't want to know not be aware as I age. Which means I don't want to end up like my mom specifically the not so desiring habits.

My mom brought me up in a scolding manner. She is a stern person and she brought me up with kinda a hard stern anger. Almost like she hated me, and hated everything that I did as it would never be right in her eyes. Now that I am older and wiser, I guess I understand that it is her love that has hardened her. The way she shows love is by scolding.

Difficult to face sometimes but I just have to constantly remind myself that no matter what she is my mom. However, due to her hardness and years of scolding, I have also become like her. I have become like her to face her. Do you understand? I treat her exactly like how she treated me. I would scold her for everything that she does wrong. It is unfortunate but it is reality almost like a retribution for me and for her.

I have tell myself that I must stop but everytime she opens up her mouth to scold me, I put back my armour and will scold her back. It has become my automatic shield.

Today...I wanted to cook lunch for my dad. My mom as always would say please do not cook for her, she is full and blah blah blah, blah, blah (don't mess up my kitchen, please do this, do that, clean this, hang here....) errrrr buzzing and buzzing with instructions and complaints!!

The mistake I made was that the egg I was going to use, dropped to the chair. It cracked, I quickly picked it up and cleaned the chair. But of course, she erupted!! "This , That, careless, why did not use bowl, why do this, why do that etc scold scold scold scold." It was so irritating. She makes people around her so agitated by her constant scolding.

I gave up. I shouted back "leave me alone, I am not going to cook, shut up!" I left to go up to my room.

The consequence...my dad would have no lunch. It's ok, there are other stuff to eat at home.

As for my mom, she came to my room later with a piece of papaya and asked me to eat, I guess it is her way of a truce.

Toilet paper

I don't understand old folks. My grandma does it and now so does my mom.

Toilet paper is probably the cheapest paper. So my dear granny and mommy probably don't feel so wasteful when they use toilet paper vs others. I can see that they refrain from using tissue papers as much as they can. My granny probably have never used kitchen napkins or kitchen towels before. My mom does but it is so rarely used, she uses a plastic cover to cover it up so that it does not get dusty.

Anyway, here is the story of toilet paper. They will roll up toilet paper to put in their handbags. This is so they can use when they go to a public toilet. God forbid if you ever find decent public toilets in Malaysia (expect for some hotels), whatmore if they have toilet papers, it is almost a miracle! :)

Alright, so I applaud granny and mommy for their effort on personal hygiene. It is a saver to have toilet paper with you and they have saved me on many occasions too.

BUT and the BIG BUT is that I can't stand that they actually roll the unused toilet paper back to the toilet roll when they get home. Why or Why? I hate to go into toilet and realize that the toilet paper looks it has been pulled, torn and rolled back again.

I have often grumbled to my granny when I was staying with her. She is old, it fell on deaf years. But I have never said anything to my mom even though I noticed recently that she started to do the exact same thing.

Anyway, yesterday I snapped when she handed me some toilet paper to wipe something while we were in the car. That little gesture somehow release a screw in my head and I went on and on about how toilet paper is to be used in the toilet. And it is very unhygienic to re-roll unused toilet paper back to the roll. Blah blah blah.....

I think she was a little surprised but I said my peace. Enuff said. Let's see if it sticks.

Love and Hate Relationship with Mom

How many of you can relate to this?

All my life, I have a turbulent relationship with my mom. She is a strong lady and have worked very hard to bring up the family. She had a hard life. Being the eldest and only daugther of 4 brothers, she hardly had a childhood. From a very young age, she had to be independant, she had to take care of her siblings, wash clothes, feed the brothers, take care of the household etc.

It does not help that she grew up during the Japanese occupation. I can only imagine how hard life was for a low-income family. Her hard life has hardened her as a person too. She brought me up the only way she knew how - the hard way, with an iron fist, with strict rules, with the hope that I will have a better life.

So in everything I do, I was nagged, scolded often.....just so that I know the consequences of my actions. If I don't study hard then blah blah, If I don't do well in my exam, then blah blah, If I don't have money, then blah blah, If I go out late, then blah blah, If I go out often, then blah blah.....

In her effort to ensure I do not fail, do not make a mistake, she has now become a negative person. Often only looking at what could go wrong. No praises, no joy, just cautions and scoldings.

I have been blessed with many good things - good education, scholarships, great job and now a wonderful husband. But my mom still remains the same person she was. Often just looking at what I do wrong, often scolding me for my actions. I have wondered before if she was proud of me.

Deep down I know that she is very proud of me. I also know she does not know how to express it. She just know her way. Her way of love is to advise, caution, nag, scold etc.

I am often at loggerheads with my mom. After years of nagging and scolding and constant negativity about the things I do, I have had enough. I know I should try harder to be patient but sometimes it is so difficult cos every word she says just presses my buttons. It is almost an automatic reaction.

I love my mom but there are many times that I am so angry at her. She just brings out the worst in me. It is like a downhill spiral. She scolds, I snap, she scolds somemore, I snap and she scolds even more.............

I have many stories about my mom. I am appreciative of what she has done for me. I just wish that our constant disagreements do not cloud my love for me.

I will be sharing more stories about me and my mom. I want to use it as a reminder for myself.

Tell me your stories of you and your mom.