Praise God

My heart is filled with so much gratitude. God has answered my prayers. And just given me more than what I can expect. I am just so grateful. All praises to God.

The journey has been difficult. Ups and downs. I have learned humility , patience and faith through this process. Thank you Jesus. All praises to you.

Tested but not defeated

I feel I have been tested.

But I know it is for my own good. There is a lot to learn and discover when you are being tested.

But I count my blessings. I know there is a silver lining, there is a beautiful rainbow at the end.

I just need to keep faith and continue to plough on.

Don't get discouraged.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

I can do it!!!!!!!!

I don't feel good. I use to be ok but now I kinda feel lousy.

I need to start working again but I am not there yet.

I am afraid if I will not get there.

Well, that's ridiculous. I think I am afraid I don't know how to get there.

What if I just continue the way I am. What if I don't get what I want? What if I don't know what I want?

I think I can handle my own expectations, it is others expectations that I can't handle.

I am so afraid I will disappoint them, I will probably just make myself miserable just thinking about it.

I know I need to be strong, have faith and be focused. Work hard and don't give up!

I can do it!!!!!!!!!!

Don't worry about not having anything to worry about

I am not working. I have stopped working for the last 9 months.

It is a choice. I have been thinking about getting back to work but I feel kinda stuck. I don't know what I want and what I wanna do.

I wish there was a sign from God.

Should I pursue the area that I was an expert in for the last 10 years or should I do something different?

I had a great career before. I think if you saw me, you would say I am a high flyer, very corporate, very professional. Do I want to get back to the hustle bustle of the corporate life? Do I want to get the stress from the never ending workload?

Or should I pursue something simpler. Something less stressful. The funny thing about it is that, I feel I want to but I don't know what I wanna do. Another thing is also how do I overcome the feeling that I am selling myself short? That I am doing something that is less than what I am capable of. But then the insecurities set in that even if I wanted a "lesser" job, am I even qualified to do it?

Sigh, so many worries.

But, honestly, I do feel very blessed. I am managing my financials well and with one salary, we can get by. Not luxurious but definitely not in danger. Infact, my husband is very supportive and he is letting me take my time and decide. I am grateful. I don't have to worry.

However, even though I know I don't have to worry, I do worry. I worry about not knowing what I want to do. I worry about not getting a job. I worry about getting the wrong job. I worry about rejection. I worry about what others would think of me. I do worry.

A friend told me the other day "Don't worry about not having anything to worry about".

I should try to heed that advice.

I do not answer him.

June 2008

I have a tendency of not answering when asked a question by my parents. It is probably like an annonyance I have developed whereby whenever my parents ask me a question, an automatic reaction of annoyance arises. Difficult to control sometimes. Infact my husband was annoyed with me yesterday cos he says that I did not answer when he asked a question.

I must agree it is true. Sometimes I just keep quiet. I just don't answer back. It is almost like I think he can read my mind or he should be able to read my mind. And it's like there is so many things in my mind especially my work that I just don't open my mouth for some reason or another. I guess I am just lazy, lazy to even answer. I must admit it is a bad habit.

He is feeling that I don't respect him. I wanna fight back and disagree. I am a pretty rightheous person but then ok I will admit that I am wrong and I should not be so rude. By not answering him, I have made it a habit and it is not nice. It does not make him feel good. And I should not make him feel that way.

I must change.

Now in 2010, I am better. But occasionally, I am still silent when he ask me something. It's ok cos he will tick me off. That's what I need!

In 2011, I am changed. I think it's because I am less pre-occupied with myself. I am not working now and thus I am more relaxed and all my time is focused on him. But will all this change when I go back to work?

The Man of My Dreams

I told my husband just the other day that the man of my dreams is Matt Damon.

I said if Matt Damon wanted to marry me, I would marry him immediately.

There is something about Matt Damon which I found so appealing the first time I go to know about him.

Good Will Hunting.

Smart, down to earth, humble while he is all Hollywood but I think he is not disturbed by all the Hollywood fame.

I may not have watched all the shows he was in ( I am not a stalker, I just want to marry him, lol) but every time I see him on screen, he affirms my admiration.

I hope he continues to be the man of my dreams.

A good husband, father while being the Hollywood star that I can dream of.

I need some fat friends

That's reality! Mean but reality.

Fat friends make you thinner.

Or at least they make you feel thinner.

Then you don't have to face up to reality that you are actually fat.

They will give you temporary relief that someone else is fatter than you. They give you false hope that you don't have to worry, at least not yet.

So I need some fat friends.

Cos I wanna feel thinner.

Cos I don't want to face reality that I am fat.

Cos I need some temporary relief and false hope that I don't have to worry cos someone else is fatter than me.

The reality is that I am fat and I need some fat friends.

I feel he manipulate​d me

A friend.

I feel he manipulated me.

First he hinted that I had to pay for the dinner cos some people were bringing gifts. I knew it was only one person but its ok I can take a hint. I will be paying for 20 people. It's ok, I called for the dinner celebration.

Then he said he will chip in to pay. He is after all the best friend.

I knew it was his way to make me agree to what he wanted. I knew for sure he was sincere cos why would he not be, right? At the very least it was a nice gesture whether I would take it or not.

During the dinner he even paid for the bill first without my knowledge which I appreciated as I guessed he knew I was busy.

Then he told me he paid more to round up the figure and this is not in the form of loose change. Multiply of tens. It's ok. I figure that he wanted "face" cos he knew the people at the restaurant. Anyway the event was a success and I had no issues with the bill or the extras.

Anyway after the event he never told me how much he wanted to chip in. Silence.

I wanted to pay him but I expect that he would say something first since he was the one who offered to chip in anyway. I did try to bring it up. To make it less obvious, I mean I dont want to ask him out right how much he is chipping in cos it was my affair and I should pay for it all, infact I am all prepared to. But I am a person of principles. If you said something, then you own up to it. I don't like the pretense of wait and see what happens. That is so insincere.

So I give people opportunities to own up. I give the benefit of the doubt that people may have forgotten.

He offered to chip in the payment first (to get me to pay the entire bill - if not everyone could have gone dutch anyway). So I hinted to make it less obvious. I brought up the subject of a cheque that I was going to write to him. Big open door to own up and let me know what he wants to do. But...nothing. It was ignored.

Ok, again my good side continued to give the benefit of the doubt. He may have missed the question, after all it was on chat and you know how reliable modern technology can be.

It's alright then. I decided I will pay him the full amount. It was what I intended to do anyway. I just wanted him to be the one to say first cos I think it was the way it should be. If he offered he should have graciously and sincerely own up to it first. I am a straight person. I just believe that it the right way to do things. Oh well, that would be how I would have done if I was the one who offered to contribute.

At least when you offered and stand up to your bargain, you look good and you look sincere. And when I still give you the full amount, I look good and I look gracious. We can then do the pushback, take it, push back etc and see what happens from there.

So even though he never brought up his contribution to chip in (1st sign of my displeasure on his pettiness), I decided to give him what I original intended - the full amount. Call me insincere or whatever but I don't feel bad about my expectations. I expect him to push back. I expect him to say, oh no...this is too much, I should have a cut in this since I said in the first place.

I expect you to insist to chip in. And I would graciously push back and say it's ok, just buy dinner next time. A dinner would be nothing compared to what he will be chipping in.

But when he took the cheque, he didn't say anything (2nd sign of my displeasure on his pettiness). I was a bit surprised, he must have seen the cheque amount. Should he say something? Nothing. NOTHING.

It's ok, I gave the benefit of doubt that he didn't see the amount.

So, later at another function in front of people, then he threw some money on the table and say ok here, this is less than half my share for the contribution. Then he proceeded to drill me on why I paid him full blah blah. His way of showing his graciousness. Well, at least he did but somehow I felt it a bit too late. It was more like an after thought. Maybe he didn't even wanted to do it.

As per my original intent I pushed back said it is ok and just get the next time dinner. After all, that is the least I feel he can do.

So far, he coerced me to pay for the dinner which he ate too. He said he will also pay for the dinner. He paid first and even paid more on my behalf, then didn't say anything about chipping in, still didn't say anything when cheque was presented and then only said something rudely a few hours later. I didn't take the money. So at the very least buying the next time would not be anything. It will only for 3 people. I paid for 20 people.

The next dinner came, and to my utmost annoyance, he pretended nothing happened. We went dutch. He even asked for my share specifically. No recollection of buying this round which would be less than half of the amount he would have chipped in if he really did chipped in.

Asshole.

So I am pissed.

This is my message to you.

I now see you differently. You have left a distaste in my mouth. You bring back all the things that didn't irritate me but now when I look back, makes me so pissed that it was done the way it was done.

1. You coerced me to pay for everyone when I think everyone would have been perfectly to pay their own share including yourself. That's still ok, I am not angry for paying for everyone. I am pissed that You coerced me into it.

2. Next you paid the bill first on your own and make your own prerogative judgment to pay more which I believe now to is to give yourself face. Even that, giving more, I am still ok cos it was no big deal, the event was a success and I also know the restaurant folks. I am pissed at how is that you made the decision with my money. You paid and paid more, make yourself look like so generous using my money. Cos now I know you never intended to chip in anyway.

3. Then you kept quiet about chipping in. Then when I gave you the full amount you didn't say anything but then infront of others you act again like you are so generous by throwing money on the table and giving your share knowing well I won't take. Even that I am not pissed cos I never intended to take your money.

4. But when you did not return my gesture, you did not even do anything even after I hinted what you could do as I did not take your money, now I am pissed. A small gesture of paying for the next dinner is all I said. That is what I believe the very least you could do but YOU DIDN'T!! Asshole!

I look back on how you make me believe I should pay, you volunteered to chip in, you paid more on my behalf and now after I decide not to take money from you and say you can buy next time instead but you did not. You did nothing. Came eat for free and didn't own up to anything. I think you are an ass.

The DISLIKE CREPT IN.

The dislike crept in

You met a new friend. You hit it off.

What more he is the best friend of someone very important to you.

Life is great. All 3 of you.

Then something happened.

An incident small to many but irritated you.

Nothing was confronted. Things could get back to normal.

But the dislike has crept in.

The two of them are still fine. Best buddies for ages. Where does that leave you?

Swallow your dislike and just pretend everything is ok.

All 3 happily ever after?

Sigh...Too bad, this is the battle that you have to fight. Alone.

I am negative but I call it grounded in reality

December 2009

I am a thinker, I think a lot, I think about everything before I act. Infact I think about things before even it happens. I think ahead, I imagine scenarios. I anticipate. That is how I am, how my mind has been build.

In my mind of thinking, obviously not everything is nice. I am not a dreamer. Just when I am sleeping. In reality, everything is not nice. And thus, when I think, I anticipate and think of worst case scenarios. I feel better if I have anticipated the worst or at least worked it out in my head so I can handle it better.

However, when doing this, sometimes it comes out as negative. It's like asking, what happens if I die tomorrow? It's morbid, it's not something nice to to think about.

My husband says I am negative and I think of only negative things.

But I like to think of all scenarios and hopefully with that I am better prepared. I don't want to think that reality is so nice, beautiful, fun and dandy and when something else strikes, I dunno what to do.

But there is a balance to achieve. I can't just think of all bad case scenarios and just worry about it. Remember it is only to think and plan NOT to indulge and let something that is in the thinking process became a reality cos it is not!

So my husband's comment that I am negative do strike a chord that I need a balance and not dump 20 worst case scenarios on him to solve on a situation that has not even happened.

But, I hope he is also learning that he needs to think thru the situation more vs just let it hit you whichever way it wants.

At least for me, I would have thot about the different ways it would hit me!

Past - A new manager

I woke up last night thinking of an ex-collegue. It somehow brought me back to that time when I was a newly promoted manager.

I remember myself at that time. Overworked, insecure and trying my best to hide it. I don't think I was a really happy person and probably my insecurities do reflect in my personality.

I guess I may not be the nicest person/boss when it comes to work. I was a young manager trying to do my work. So managing people wasn't really my priority especially when I am trying my best to figure out my own part of the work. Imagine trying to pretend to know what to tell your direct reports when you don't even have your own work figured out.

I guess I would seem unsympathetic and yet firm but with no susbstance. Sigh...the perils of a new manager.

I made mistakes. I learned from them. It took me a few years but in the last few years I think I finally became comfortable with myself. I am more sure of myself and my abilities. And I become more natural as a manager. I no longer feel intimidated or insecure with my direct reports. I just try my best to give them what I have.

I wish I could take back those years when I was "not the best" form of manager but there is no manual for it.

Everyone just need to do experience it. Learn from it and do the best to their abilities.

Farting

How come when I was young, I don't remember myself farting. Ok, let me explain. It is not that I don't fart, I am very sure I did but I don't remember needing to fart frequently. Maybe once a week??!!

But now that I am "bigger" why do I constantly need to fart. A few times a day!!!

Sigh. Is this normal?

Did I Tell You About My Doctor's Crush?

I kinda have a crush on him. He is a doctor ok, I am in awe with his confidence, his expertise :) And to qualify, I love my hubby very very much. But, I must say that a woman is entitled to innocent crushes :) :)

Back to my doc story.

I saw him at the same restaurant having lunch with 2 ladies.

I went over to said hello, he introduced his wife. Nice! see...a good man.

I went on to my own lunch.

He finished first.

As he got out of his table, he naturally greeted me goodbye. Again..nice!

But the unexpected happen. He lost his footing slightly and almost tripped. In a rather quiet room, this was a slight commotion.

He regained composure and walked away.

Awwww...I felt bad for him. To be precise, I felt bad because I think he would feel embarrassed and then feel bad. And so I sincerely hope he does not feel bad.

I guess, if it was me in that position, I would feel embarrassed and would in turn feel bad. But then again, that's just me.

I am sure he without a single thought of the incident, went back and focused on his patients. :)

I have been out of touch, thus I am easily touched

Aug 2010

It is strange. It's been 3 months of pretty much myself and hubby. Weekend with friends.

I didn't think I miss much of the connection with people. Honestly, I rather be a hermit.

Today, someone was nice to me. Just providing a good service. Being a gentleman.

I was touched. It was nice.

Strange feeling.

I think I need to get out more.

My health is Perfectly FINE but I don't feel fine.

February 2010

I wrote this June'09 and I kinda still feel the same now.

I feel that something is wrong.

I feel like something is not right with my body.

I must be sick, I am probably not in the best of health.

I need to do a whole body check up.

I need to find out what's wrong.

I did the body check up and they found nothing wrong.

The doctor said everything looks fine and even my cholesterol is lower than the year before.

"But...but...but...are you sure?" I said "Nothing is wrong?? But I don't feel well, I get head aches, my kneecap is in pain sometimes, my fingers are stiff, my stomach don't feel well etc etc etc"

I spoke for the next 15 minutes on all my potential sickly symptoms. There must be something wrong with me. Tell me what it is and give me the medication!!!!

Your medical test is looking great, everything is fine. Go home!

That's it??!!!! Am I really fine? I hope so.

It is Sept 2010 and I read something that gave me a fright. The symptoms look similar. I am probabaly scaring myself but I do want to talk to a doctor on my concerns. I pray that I am being overparanoid and my body is ok.

Have you ever had a crush on your doctor?

I had 2.

2 doctors that I am into.

One sticks his hand into my backside. Really!

Another touched my legs. And gave my mom a fake kneecap.

Both good-looking, eloquent and smart. What's not to like?

My Anniversary and The Bitch's Annoucement

Great! On my lovely day!

I get the news. The Bitch is OUT.

She got what she wanted. I was the sacrificial lamb.

Anyway, good for her. I hope she is happy.

As for me, I still have not forgotten. But who cares about her?

I am happy now. Better later than never. I am happiest ever.

Between my anniversary and the bitch's announcement... I will focus definitely on my beautiful life.

I can't use my middle finger anymore

Jan 14, 2010

Damn!

There is a flickering pain.

Flickering pain of the nerve.

It's damn irritating.

Therefore no more laptop pad.

I need a mouse pad!

Switch from middle finger to index finger.

I can't wait

Jan 7, 2010

I have decided finally.

I asked God to bless this decision.

I am excited and filled with apprehension.

But I know I can't wait.

One word.

One resolution.

TOGETHER.

I am aimless

Dec '09

Have you ever felt this way?

I know my problem is not big but I do know I have a problem.

I just feel life has no meaning and I don't know what is the future.

I only live for the day, and just take each activity as it comes.

I pray for the direction, I pray for the answer.

I know it will come. Have Faith.

Meanwhile, I have to stop feeling aimless.