My husband is the "bestest"!

Who would thread my fav old t-shirt which has a big hole on the shoulders? Well, I didn't and still proudly wore around the house. It's my fav, I've had it for more than 10 years - thus the hole.

But my "bestest" husband did. I feel so blessed. It is amazing to see him intently threading my fav shirt back to health. *filled with love*

He probably could not stand to see his wife wearing an old t-shirt with a big hole.

Whatever it is, my husband is the bestest. *love*

I do not answer him.

June 2008

I have a tendency of not answering when asked a question by my parents. It is probably like an annonyance I have developed whereby whenever my parents ask me a question, an automatic reaction of annoyance arises. Difficult to control sometimes. Infact my husband was annoyed with me yesterday cos he says that I did not answer when he asked a question.

I must agree it is true. Sometimes I just keep quiet. I just don't answer back. It is almost like I think he can read my mind or he should be able to read my mind. And it's like there is so many things in my mind especially my work that I just don't open my mouth for some reason or another. I guess I am just lazy, lazy to even answer. I must admit it is a bad habit.

He is feeling that I don't respect him. I wanna fight back and disagree. I am a pretty rightheous person but then ok I will admit that I am wrong and I should not be so rude. By not answering him, I have made it a habit and it is not nice. It does not make him feel good. And I should not make him feel that way.

I must change.

Now in 2010, I am better. But occasionally, I am still silent when he ask me something. It's ok cos he will tick me off. That's what I need!

In 2011, I am changed. I think it's because I am less pre-occupied with myself. I am not working now and thus I am more relaxed and all my time is focused on him. But will all this change when I go back to work?

One of those bad days

January 2011

I know you are the one working, I know you are stressed.
I have tried my best to make life easy for you at home. I do believe I have tried my best.

I sensed that you are not entirely happy I am not working. I may be wrong. I know you said it is not about the money. I just know you prefer if I was working. I also wish for that. But I just have not found anything yet. I also feel sad about that.

So don't make me feel small about it. You don't need to make your work and your stress so big and make me feel small. When you do that you are like shouting at me about how you are working and I am not. It's like you are telling me you are doing everything and I am useless.

You were the one who said, let's go out tonight. Just give you 1 hour to finish your work. I gave you 3 hours. I didn't say anything, I just waited and let you do what you needed to do. But you didn't say anything after 3 hours. It was like you never said anything about going out. I a;so didn't say anything because I didn't want to pressure you or make it seem like I was so desperate to go out. I was not desperate to go out, but you must know you were the one who said that we will go out.

So I was just trying to tell you manage my expectations. It is not that I am angry you needed to work. I am just saying if you can't make it, just tell me first. Don't pretend like you never said anything or never promised anything. Like it never happened. You may be so busy and so absorbed but I am not. I was waiting, I was wondering if we were going to go out. So even if I didn't care so much about going out, I cannot pretend that you didn't make that promise just because you were busy. I believe you have to own up to what you promised.

So is it so much to ask for you to manage my expectations? Just tell me half way when you know you can't finish your work, you can't make it. I think I will feel better and would say it is fine. Is it too much to ask?

When I voiced this, you said this sentence in frustration, "In this case, I don't work anymore". Like you are so frustrated with me, like I don't understand you, like I don't support you, like I don't know how important your work is or how stress you are at work. You have to make me feel small like I am worthless because I am not working and you are so important because you are.

I didn't need that. I just wanted you to understand that I get disappointed too. I just want you to understand I also have needs and also want to plan my life. I don't want to live waiting around for you, just because you are so busy and so stressed.

Just manage my expectations. Just tell me when you can and when you cannot. Don't pretend like you never promised. Cos I didn't ask from you at the first place. You were the one that offered. And you were then the one who didn't even bother to remember. How does that make me feel?

Dont I have a say anymore? Is my feeling important too? Don't promise if you can't deliver or at the very least let me know first when you know you can't deliver. Is that too much to ask??

It's just one of those days when one sentence can spark off all the unhappiness. Glad its out and sorted.

The picking starts

Dec 2010

You think that as time grows by you will grow to love everything about the person.
You think that you will overlook the minor things and you don't even see that those things irritates you.
But there is a flip side to every imagined fairy tale.
The minor things may not just fade away.
The minor things may became major. Maybe it never bothered you before cos you were in the fairy tale and everything is beautiful.
But as time goes by you began to see the finer details and instead of feeling love or not bothered, you feel bothered, you get irritated or worst you feel disgusted!

Where is the love??

You begin to nick pick. You get irritated and worse you feel disgusted with what you see vs feel it was so cute because of love.

So my question - where is the love?

When you start to pick, where is the love?

When snore is love

When snore is love.

The shock of hearing loud constant snoring can be quite daunting especially when you realise you have to sleep with this person for the rest of your life.

I often say I try to "kill" him in his sleep. Well, what I was actually doing is trying to diagnose where the noise is coming from. So the "killing" part comes from these 2 actions :

1) squeeze his nose to stop the noise
2) put my hand over his mouth to muffle the sound.

Hence....potentially "killing" him.

I soon realise that these methods don't work and infact it could most definitely get me a life sentence in jail. So I had to stop. And my message to all the women out there with a snoring husband - STOP even though you really want to do whatever it takes to stop the noise.

Now, I am past the stage of trying to 'kill' my husband.

His snore is love to me. Music to my ears.

A sign that he is well and alive beside me. Love.

p/s I am not kidding. Snore is Love.

Toilet Paper when you need it

You are done, You look up and went "Uh oh!!

Isn't that the worst nightmare?!!

What do you do?? Sigh!!

There is always a savior!! I opened a cabinet right beside me and behold... Toilet paper!

Bless my wonderful husband for putting it there!

I am here and feeling bliss

We are finally together.

The feeling is fantatstic.

I just wanna enjoy and feel every moment with happiness.

Thank You God for this blessing.

The destination is clear

I think we have finally decided.

Why am I still skeptical?

I don't know. Maybe I am afraid if I get too happy or I plan towards it, it may not come true.

So I am calm with a little pessimism versus jumping for joy.

Just let it be for now. I just want to hear God voice, God's confirmation againa and again.

So let me be calm, let not the excitement cloud what I need to do.

So I am calm and will continue to plough on. 3 months. I think I can make it.

Message from my hubby

Dec 12, 2009

Feel good about yrself and be confident that we will have the answer soon. HOPE and think about how good and nice when we be together.

I pray and wish the answer will come soon.

Being apart with someone you love...

If you love someone, should both of you be apart?

If you have to be apart, for how long?

I have many plans to be a better wife.

When can I fulfill them?

Bite the fucking bullet and just go!!

I miss my husband.

I felt it today. I don't know what we are doing being apart. How long more do we have to do this?

The ironic thing is that I am the mastermind behind it. I decided that we should be apart until we get clearer on where the path will lead us. In this economic times, we should hang on to what is stable vs making drastic changes. And that is why we are apart now.

I like to think that we are in it together, that we both made the decision but somehow I know deep down, my husband blames me or in the future, if anything happens to our relationship, this time being part may be the starting point of breakage.

Bite the fucking bullet and just go!! That is the risky path. Result - Together.

Stay and wait for certainty. That is the safe path. Result - Apart.

I chose the safe path because I am practical, I am safe, I am cautious.

We have been apart for close to 8 months now except for the 3 weeks when he came back.

I know I did this.

I am sorry.

The last time we touched was 3 months ago

My husband and I have been separated for 6 months now.

Ok not separated like separation leading to divorce kinda thing. It is more like separated by land and ocean. We are 24 hours apart by flight at different place and continent.

The last I saw him, the last we touched was 3 months ago.

He said he does not completely agree on why I am here but he says he understands.

But I know deep down, this is the last straw. We can't do it anymore. The separation is not doing any good.

I am giving it another 3 months......by then we must make a decision. Pray for an answer and open doors from God.

Sigh....the strength of difference!

Honestly I am not a positive person. I am a practical person, I am a worrier. I am a planner and I like to plan ahead to make sure everything will be ok. I feel at times that can be perceived as not positive.

Because I am practical - I tend to face realities faster.
Because I am worrier - I tend to say the not so positives realities so that I will face it.
Because I like to plan ahead - I tend to be too "kan cheong" to get to the results.

A lot of people hate to face realities. Focus on the easy stuff, think of the heavy stuff later. For me, I would also want to avoid the reality but I know I can't. If I don't take control of the grim reality, it would not go away. It will still be there! and it will bite sooner or later.

I am scared. If I know there is trouble ahead, I want to make sure I put things in place so that I can fix it now. Not use other things to make the big issue seem smaller.


But I also believe there is a strength to being different. However you are, positive or negative, dreamer or practical, life will still go on, things will still turn out.

TAKE THE GOOD AND THROW AWAY THE BAD. HAVE FAITH!

My nasty mood

This weekend, I was in foul mood. Seriously foul mood. I was irritable and had this anger in my eyes. Since I am staying with mom, she took the brunt of it. Well...not that I am any better on other days...it has been always like that...me and mom- we just don't see eye to eye!

Of course it got worse since I am in a nasty mood. Everything she did wrong, I did not stop myself from letting her know. I was just mean and you could see the anger in my eyes.

My poor hubby also was not spared. He is the most patient man and I love him for that. He will try to cheer me up, he will talk and talk and talk just to distract me. I just grunt back! And if he siad something wrong...snap snap....that's how nasty I was.

Anyway the weekend is coming to an end, I am a bit better today...my mood is improving. I just want to say I am sorry!

The road me and hubby is on

Hubby back.

We had great fun, holiday, sex, makan-makan.

He became fat, I became fatter.

It was worth it. Diet time.

We have to be positive.

Separation yet again. We will have to face it, be strong for each other.

We need God. His grace, his direction.

A vision is to be caught not taught

Sorry, feeling a little philosophical this evening.

A good friend...told me this phrase "A vision is to be caught Not taught". I don't think even she realized what she said, but when I heard it, it was such a revelation.

Basically I was complaning about how my hubby is not excited about my interest. I am so passionate about it, there are so many things I want him to do and help me with but it almost seem like he is just going against me. And it is very frustrating!

Especially when I feel that what I am doing will be better for our future. At least we are doing something vs just doing nothing.

But how come he is so slow in his actions? How come we seem to argue everytime we talk about it? I get irritated that I am doing 80% of the work and yet he can't do 20% of the work promptly.

Anyway, so when my friend suddenly said this phrase....hmmm, I was like...wow! I get it. No point telling, teaching, repeating a thousand times what the vision is because if the person don't get it, have not caught it, it will just be yes yes yes yes yes yes - in one ear, out the other.

So...the challenge is to have the person catch the vision. Once the person caught the vision, then the vision is no longer just yours. It becomes a shared vision.

Am I making sense??

He is most patient and I am the b*tch

I must always remind myself that my hubby is most patient with me. No matter how much tantrums I throw, how many times I am not in the mood to talk, how self righteous I am, he is always patient and will always be there first.

He is most patient, most loving man. He always says sorry first. I love him.

I am the b*tch. That's reality.

Irritation between hubby and wifey

Ok...my hubby is irritated with me. I can't believe it. He is not like that. I am not used to it. Well, I fundamentally think it is not good. You should get let irritation crept into the relationship. It is the first sign of a negative feeling. From a slight irritation it will lead to dislike and lead to disatisfaction and then lead to anger and more and more negative feelings until it is out of control.

As husband and wife, we must stop it. We cannot allow ourselves to be irritated with each other. We may not agree on everything and we may not like something about each other - we are human - there is no 100% perfect. We are human, we are sinners, we are imperfect but as a couple, we should not let irritation crept in. For eg. I don't like his snoring but I should not let it irritate me. As a couple, we are forgiving, we should encourage and support each other.

Don't get me wrong, it is not that we just allow each other to be whoever, whatever!! It's not that. We should tell each other how we feel about each other whether good or bad - this is the whole point of communication! And because we love each other, we will adjust / change / make the effort for each other. But we must not let it get to us. We must not let this negative feeling of irritation surface. Cos once it does we are feeling each other in a negative way.

I felt he is irritated with me cos he thinks I don't listen to him, I don't pay attention to him and I am always distracted with something else when I am with him. It is irritating him and I feel that he is on the lookout for when I will do wrong. He will attack me instantly when he feels I am doing that cos he is consumed by his irritation. Because he gets irritated, his negative reaction to me will be stronger which then makes me feel he is attacking me.

This is really not good, I don't like it and I don't feel good about it. What happened to be ever loving and forgiving and supportive husband? He has always given me a feeling a unconditional love, always forgiving, ever loving!! I may have overused it. Is it payback time?

Well...I hope he does not change. I think it will be very difficult for me. He has been my pillar of strength and assurance because he is so loving. I want it this way. I want him to love me more. I don't want him to be disatisfied with me.

More so......I don't want to start to be irritated with him. It will just open the flood gate.....

Sex Interrupted

Oh my...the topic about sex came up in an afternoon tea with my girl friends.Ha ha....so exciting that would have everyone sitting up and giving inputs etc. The topic revolved around the misconception about sex and how great sex is supposed to be. We realized that sex is not always explosive and wonderful when it happens. And if it is not fantastic, then it becomes a sensitive issue and must be treated with care and trust.

Well...somehow the impression is when 2 people in love and agree to make love for the first time and all other times after, it will be explosive!! an amazing kind of feeling and experience. Well, I have to disagree. I think it is not as easy as ABC. There are adjustments, trying to understand each other preferences and making it work. I am making it sound like work....no no...it is enjoyable but just that reality is that it is not explosive all the time and I don't want to mislead all women out there that it would be.

Like everything, the more you do it, the better I guess.

I am the Man, He is the Woman ??

My hubby always says this about me and him. It's funny actually. These are the examples -

1) He talks more than I. I am lazy to talk and update on stuff so I just listen and often ask him to talk. I guess I am a good listener.

2) He is sensitive and thoughtful. He even remembered the day we met and he sent me flowers. I was for a minute thinking....errr...what is it for?? But I was sooooo touched. So sweet right?

3) I often fall asleep when he is talking on the phone. We are on long distance relationship now, so talking on the phone everyday and I end up falling asleep. I blame it on his sweet serenading voice.

4) Well, I make more money than him. At least for now:-)

5) He loves to gossip!! but then again so do I.

6) I don't really cuddle after sex. I go to the loo.

7) I don't put things back to its original position. Freaks him out.

8) He is neat and tidy. Well, I won't say I am untidy though!

9) He loves shopping and really... I just stop him.

10) I fart...more....come on..give me a break, can't help it! I have IBS!

So..who really is the man and who is the woman?