Beautiful Gift

It has been too long. So much has happened. In my profile, I wrote that I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a collegue, a manager and many other roles. Guess what...I am also a mother now! It is amazing, I can't believe that motherhood is such a wonderful journey. Before this, I could never really understood when people say that motherhood is so wonderful and it will change you completely. I now understand. And I am thankful to God for this beautiful gift!

Praise God

My heart is filled with so much gratitude. God has answered my prayers. And just given me more than what I can expect. I am just so grateful. All praises to God.

The journey has been difficult. Ups and downs. I have learned humility , patience and faith through this process. Thank you Jesus. All praises to you.

Tested but not defeated

I feel I have been tested.

But I know it is for my own good. There is a lot to learn and discover when you are being tested.

But I count my blessings. I know there is a silver lining, there is a beautiful rainbow at the end.

I just need to keep faith and continue to plough on.

Don't get discouraged.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

I can do it!!!!!!!!

I don't feel good. I use to be ok but now I kinda feel lousy.

I need to start working again but I am not there yet.

I am afraid if I will not get there.

Well, that's ridiculous. I think I am afraid I don't know how to get there.

What if I just continue the way I am. What if I don't get what I want? What if I don't know what I want?

I think I can handle my own expectations, it is others expectations that I can't handle.

I am so afraid I will disappoint them, I will probably just make myself miserable just thinking about it.

I know I need to be strong, have faith and be focused. Work hard and don't give up!

I can do it!!!!!!!!!!

My husband is the "bestest"!

Who would thread my fav old t-shirt which has a big hole on the shoulders? Well, I didn't and still proudly wore around the house. It's my fav, I've had it for more than 10 years - thus the hole.

But my "bestest" husband did. I feel so blessed. It is amazing to see him intently threading my fav shirt back to health. *filled with love*

He probably could not stand to see his wife wearing an old t-shirt with a big hole.

Whatever it is, my husband is the bestest. *love*

A line to not cross

A line to not cross

The one thing I know is never to say bad things about your spouse family in front of your spouse and at the back for that matter.

Especially so for my husband, whose others feelings and others well being is utmost important to him, don't even talk bad about his best friend.

It is not that I wanna bitch about them to him but since my hubby is the closest to me and we tell each other everything, I tend to wanna tell him things even if it is not nice stuff when it touches that category of people.

If not where do I rant to? Who do I tell??

But I know I should not cos I will only be the one to get hurt and probably even get angrier if I tell him. Cos when he defends them, I will be even more pissed. He is not taking my side but taking their side!!! WTF?!!

So to avoid more anger and disappointment just shut up and find another outlet to let go of your emotions.

This is where I am letting go.

Thank you blog.

Don't worry about not having anything to worry about

I am not working. I have stopped working for the last 9 months.

It is a choice. I have been thinking about getting back to work but I feel kinda stuck. I don't know what I want and what I wanna do.

I wish there was a sign from God.

Should I pursue the area that I was an expert in for the last 10 years or should I do something different?

I had a great career before. I think if you saw me, you would say I am a high flyer, very corporate, very professional. Do I want to get back to the hustle bustle of the corporate life? Do I want to get the stress from the never ending workload?

Or should I pursue something simpler. Something less stressful. The funny thing about it is that, I feel I want to but I don't know what I wanna do. Another thing is also how do I overcome the feeling that I am selling myself short? That I am doing something that is less than what I am capable of. But then the insecurities set in that even if I wanted a "lesser" job, am I even qualified to do it?

Sigh, so many worries.

But, honestly, I do feel very blessed. I am managing my financials well and with one salary, we can get by. Not luxurious but definitely not in danger. Infact, my husband is very supportive and he is letting me take my time and decide. I am grateful. I don't have to worry.

However, even though I know I don't have to worry, I do worry. I worry about not knowing what I want to do. I worry about not getting a job. I worry about getting the wrong job. I worry about rejection. I worry about what others would think of me. I do worry.

A friend told me the other day "Don't worry about not having anything to worry about".

I should try to heed that advice.

I do not answer him.

June 2008

I have a tendency of not answering when asked a question by my parents. It is probably like an annonyance I have developed whereby whenever my parents ask me a question, an automatic reaction of annoyance arises. Difficult to control sometimes. Infact my husband was annoyed with me yesterday cos he says that I did not answer when he asked a question.

I must agree it is true. Sometimes I just keep quiet. I just don't answer back. It is almost like I think he can read my mind or he should be able to read my mind. And it's like there is so many things in my mind especially my work that I just don't open my mouth for some reason or another. I guess I am just lazy, lazy to even answer. I must admit it is a bad habit.

He is feeling that I don't respect him. I wanna fight back and disagree. I am a pretty rightheous person but then ok I will admit that I am wrong and I should not be so rude. By not answering him, I have made it a habit and it is not nice. It does not make him feel good. And I should not make him feel that way.

I must change.

Now in 2010, I am better. But occasionally, I am still silent when he ask me something. It's ok cos he will tick me off. That's what I need!

In 2011, I am changed. I think it's because I am less pre-occupied with myself. I am not working now and thus I am more relaxed and all my time is focused on him. But will all this change when I go back to work?

The Man of My Dreams

I told my husband just the other day that the man of my dreams is Matt Damon.

I said if Matt Damon wanted to marry me, I would marry him immediately.

There is something about Matt Damon which I found so appealing the first time I go to know about him.

Good Will Hunting.

Smart, down to earth, humble while he is all Hollywood but I think he is not disturbed by all the Hollywood fame.

I may not have watched all the shows he was in ( I am not a stalker, I just want to marry him, lol) but every time I see him on screen, he affirms my admiration.

I hope he continues to be the man of my dreams.

A good husband, father while being the Hollywood star that I can dream of.

A "Korean Drama" Dream

How often is that your dream turns out like a Korean Drama plot? It was amazing with triangle loves, with pain, and at last with true love.

Note - "All characters are fictional and not reflective of reality" It is after all a dream.

The scene - It was a dinner. A gathering of friends. It seems like frequent weekly gathering whereby this groups friends gather. I was with Marky. We are together and probably have been together for sometime. Something is a miss, not to the eyes of others but I could feel it. I was in love with him. He loves me too but somehow I am feeling insecure.

SLing walked in with some other friends. Unknown to me and others, Marky and SLing seemed to have a past together. A love that never happened, love that is not meant to be. The question in their heads is that could it be, could we be? So, there is always a tension in the room when they meet.

I guess that manifested in my insecurity about my relationship with Marky.

Everyone was at dinner and chatting. But everyone seemed to have something else to rush to. Marky and I have another function to attend. SLing need to go home to her husband - YES, she is married! Drama right?!!

Everyone decide to take their leave. Marky and I left through the front door first. Marky opened the door and walked out. I walked out after him. I decided to go back and lock up the door as I know everyone was going out through the back door and I didn't feel right leaving the door unlocked.

After I locked the door, I saw that Mark has walked ahead. I tried to rush forward but I am not sure which way he went. I turned right, walked down a lane.

I got lost. I can't find him. It was getting dark. I am getting scared. Marky - please find me.

I walked through some really scary area and I was feeling desperate.

I came upon a row of stores. I was going to go in to get some help, to call Marky.

Suddenly I saw SLing and some of our friends walking by. They were surprised to see me there as Marky and I left earlier than them. I told them I got separated from Marky and can't find him.

As suddenly as I said that, Marky appeared, all sweat out, desperation on his face. He was searching high and low for me.

I brust into tears and flew into his arms. I held him tight. When I saw his face, all my insecurities gone. I know now that he loves me deeply. There should be no doubt.

We got into his car. I am still holding him tight, tears streaming down my face. Love found, renewed, reconfirmed without a doubt.

Wow!! What a way to end the dream. I love happy endings.